Because things sound better in a foreign language! el o el
So I was browsing through DA journals to find a survey I could do on Facebook, and man a lot of people are depressing… makes me feel better though, because I’ve been having a somewhat shizzy day. :I
So, for me… Lately, I haven’t found life living. No one to trust, no one to rely on, no one to go out and live my life with. Going home and losing myself in mindless fantasies seems to be the only thing I can do now. There are so many things I want to do, but at the same time I’m scared of everything, and the things I never go through with just build up inside every time I avoid doing something or refuse to speak my mind. I want to take a risk for once, and act like who I really am instead of holding back. Those irrational fears I feed my mind— others’ perceptions, being accused of , they all scare the shit out of me and just imagining all the negative outcomes makes me wanna crap my pants. (Unfortunately, situations that trigger that reaction includes the submission of this post.)
Usually, when I conjure up fictional scenarios and imaginary stories, the characters go through some turmoil, but come to a revelation and go through for something better, ending with smiles and tears. I’d like my own situation to run that way, too— wrestle with everything a bit right now, but finish with a full heart, having the credits roll with some wholesome orchestrated piece playing in the background. I’d like it, but I’m sorry to say this story doesn’t have with a happy ending. Mostly because I realize that it’s impossible for me to obtain the way things are now, but also because this story hasn’t ended just yet.
"Why is my life worth living?" In my own eyes, it’s not, at least right now. Maybe to someone else I should be thankful for not having a harsh one as much as others. Well, to them I say yeah, I told myself for years and it never got me anywhere. Realizing how deep of a hole I’ve dug myself, I think, is better than all-out ignoring the heavy shovel I’m digging with in the first place. The only way anything as of this moment is worth living is to stick around to see if that somewhat promising future that I’m still hopeful for is going to happen… or maybe something else that’s unexpected.